Lucky. You have been so lucky with the chemo. Hardly any side effects until now. But this
week, there’s not just the muscle-pain to deal with, the nausea has also been furious. Waves
and waves, all through the day. And the fatigue! You’re hardly capable of looking after
yourself. Making a cup of tea is a major effort. You make it and carry it carefully through to
the bedroom. You put it down on the bedside table and collapse exhausted onto the bed,
crawl between the covers, gasping at the pain in your side. Just a couple of weeks ago you
felt strong, optimistic, as if you could go on forever. Now death is walking beside you,
holding your arm when you stumble, whispering “I’m here, I’m here”.
***
“The most painful state of being is remembering the future. Particularly the one you’ll never
have.”
Søren Kierkegaard
[Extract from Alison Flett’s ‘What It Feels Like To Die’ (Fragments from a memoir) ]
published in ‘Saltbush Review’, issue 4 — 15th December 2023