Perfect Fit

Fidgeting burns calories, reveals The Australian.
Light bulb – so much explained:

Why I, my father, uncles, aunts,
all foot-tapping, finger-rapping, lip-chewing fidgeters,

remain skinny as greyhounds: we're easily bored.
Why Australian kids are overweight: clearly, it's

the rising standard of education. Everything is transmuted.
Commercial breaks: a community service,

the doctor's waiting room: the new gym. A dark secret.
The length of your wait could be inversely proportional

to your cholesterol level. Treatment by neglect.
Capitalism, though, won't keep you waiting –

there'll be half-hour Fidget classes between Step and Pilates,
digital fidgetometers to track your progress,

and at three in the morning, slick infomercials for
the Fidgetron 4000. Does it for you

while you watch infomercials. Take heart, you students
of accounting and law, and you noble souls

suffering through bad poetry readings –
A bored audience is a fit audience!