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GRAHAM ROWLANDS


One tree in Ohio


My fellow Americans
call it a wake-up call. Yeah, some wake-up.
As you will have heard by now, the blackout
was caused by a tree— one tree in Ohio.
Allow me to ask you, my fellow Americans
what could be a greater threat to freedom
than just one tree doing us in, snuffing out
all the bright lights of north-east America
( sure, of course, Canada, sure, Canada too ).
If one terrorist can do as much harm as this
then it's our duty to eliminate all terrorists.
You bet. We'll chop em down & smoke em up.
From the dogwoods to the cottonwoods
from the redwoods to the ponderosa pines
we don't want to see a single sapling
except, of course, for one of each species
to be permanently preserved on reservations
benevolently reserved for our fellow Americans
the Navaho, the Mohawk, the Mohican, the Cherokee
& why the hell, why not call those reservations
the Richard Nixon, Gerald Ford, Ronald Reagan &
hi there, Dad & love to Mum— the George Bush.
Yep, have only to think of fun-loving Americans
trapped in elevators, stopped dead in subways
hanging upside down if not quite inside out
in the amusement parks of this great nation
to see the light of God's Word day & night
oh Lordy Lordy Lordy: Let there be light.
I'm a compassionate conservative, a hard softie
but my compassion has a limit. It won't stretch
to giant bin Ladens, gnarled Saddam Husseins.
Our safety & security lie in pre-emptive strikes
in defoliation, chain-sawing, clear-felling &
tried & trusted & true skill with the axe.
Only a few minutes ago I took a welcome call
from Prime Minister John Howard of Australia &
I know he's ready to assist with his great axemen
from his annual wood chip events ( thank you
Co-lin ) his annual wood chop events. For sure
no stopping until we've imposed the death penalty
on every tree. Ring-barking is too darn slow.
It's no lose. Yep, it's win-win all the way.
We'll put all of our unemployed out to work
& we'll make men of them— even the women
( my apologies, Condoleezza, apologies ma'am ).
We'll pull ourselves up by pulling our trees out.
The greenback will go; the economy will be all go.
Anyhow, who called it the greenback? Greenies?
Still, I do have one regret. I know in my heart
our children will miss their Christmas trees but
plastic will boom & shine & shimmer once again.
We know that's good for oil & good for America.
Yep, I always put my mouth where my money is.
( Sorry, Co-lin. ) As I was saying, this Christmas
the trees will march out of more & more factories
with military precision, always delivered on time.
We promise every child a twinkling Christmas tree.
God bless you, my little ones. Merry Christmas.
Which brings me to bidding you all Good night &
God bless you & God bless a treeless America.