-
GRAHAM
ROWLANDS
One tree in Ohio
- My fellow Americans
- call it a wake-up call. Yeah, some
wake-up.
- As you will have heard by now,
the blackout
- was caused by a tree— one
tree in Ohio.
- Allow me to ask you, my fellow
Americans
- what could be a greater threat
to freedom
- than just one tree doing us in,
snuffing out
- all the bright lights of
north-east America
- ( sure, of course, Canada, sure,
Canada too ).
- If one terrorist can do as much
harm as this
- then it's our duty to eliminate all
terrorists.
- You bet. We'll chop em down
& smoke em up.
- From the dogwoods to the
cottonwoods
- from the redwoods to the
ponderosa pines
- we don't want to see a single
sapling
- except, of course, for one of
each species
- to be permanently preserved on
reservations
- benevolently reserved for our
fellow Americans
- the Navaho, the Mohawk, the
Mohican, the Cherokee
- & why the hell, why not call
those reservations
- the Richard Nixon, Gerald Ford,
Ronald Reagan &
- hi there, Dad & love to
Mum— the George Bush.
- Yep, have only to think of
fun-loving Americans
- trapped in elevators, stopped
dead in subways
- hanging upside down if not quite
inside out
- in the amusement parks of this
great nation
- to see the light of God's Word
day & night
- oh Lordy Lordy Lordy: Let there
be light.
- I'm a compassionate
conservative, a hard softie
- but my compassion has a limit.
It won't stretch
- to giant bin Ladens, gnarled
Saddam Husseins.
- Our safety & security lie in
pre-emptive strikes
- in defoliation, chain-sawing,
clear-felling &
- tried & trusted & true
skill with the axe.
- Only a few minutes ago I took a
welcome call
- from Prime Minister John Howard
of Australia &
- I know he's ready to assist with
his great axemen
- from his annual wood chip events
( thank you
- Co-lin ) his annual wood chop
events. For sure
- no stopping until we've imposed
the death penalty
- on every tree. Ring-barking is
too darn slow.
- It's no lose. Yep, it's win-win
all the way.
- We'll put all of our unemployed
out to work
- & we'll make men of
them— even the women
- ( my apologies, Condoleezza,
apologies ma'am ).
- We'll pull ourselves up by
pulling our trees out.
- The greenback will go; the
economy will be all go.
- Anyhow, who called it the
greenback? Greenies?
- Still, I do have one regret. I
know in my heart
- our children will miss their
Christmas trees but
- plastic will boom & shine
& shimmer once again.
- We know that's good for oil
& good for America.
- Yep, I always put my mouth where
my money is.
- ( Sorry, Co-lin. ) As I was
saying, this Christmas
- the trees will march out of more
& more factories
- with military precision, always
delivered on time.
- We promise every child a
twinkling Christmas tree.
- God bless you, my little ones.
Merry Christmas.
- Which brings me to bidding you
all Good night &
- God bless you & God bless a
treeless America.
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